As My Heart Remembers
by The Violist
Summary: Legolas hires a streetwise girl to rid him of his fangirls. Their amusing attempts evolve into friendship and an unusual coupling... *COMPLETE* listen this is incredibly stupid sugarhighness, but my muse died, so....


Legolas hires a streetwise girl to rid him of his fangirls. Their amusing attempts evolve into friendship, but when a week of Amy's job comes and goes, Legolas finds himself losing the only fangirl that mattered.  
  
As My Heart Remembers  
  
************************************************  
  
Prologue  
  
~  
  
I was sitting in Rivendell's privy, reading, when I met him.  
  
Not the greatest place to pick up a novel, certainly, but definitely the only place where I could get a bit of peace and quiet.  
  
Legolas Greenleaf, sexy warrior of the century, had arrived. This meant any amount of fangirls, worshippers, daydreamers, droolers, admirers, devotees, you name it.  
  
There wasn't a second that went by when you couldn't hear a whole herd of them squeal and tackle their item of affection.  
  
Worse still - Rivendell doesn't know the meaning of the word "wall." Everything is latticework, full of kinks and gaps and thin as paper. Legolas likes to stride around, which meant that shrieks of ecstasy filled every corner of Imladris upon his arrival.  
  
The privy was the only isolated spot.  
  
Sure, it wasn't fair to the lines of elves that waited around outside with swollen bladders, crossing and uncrossing their legs as they tried to hold it. If the bathroom was the only spot where I could get a bit of peace, so be it.  
  
Most of them just went out in the forest somewhere and "unzipped".  
  
But that particular day, when I was engrossed in the newest Harry Potter, the door swung open on me. I looked up in shock. My leggings were up, as I never really went in to do anything but read, yet my mind was blank - what sort of sick nerd walks into a privy in use?  
  
To my amazement, the intruder was Legolas.  
  
Yet not the Legolas I knew. His perfect, sleek hair was messed, and his perfect complexion flushed - he was half bent, wheezing, staring wildly into my eyes, before he turned around and slammed the door closed.  
  
I am not, and never will be, immune to his charm. A very horrific and inappropriate notion leapt into my head as he sealed us from the immortals outside.  
  
However, he spoiled my pondering with a brief- "I'm sorry. I can't take it anymore. Hoards, throngs, flocks of them- they're everywhere!"  
  
His babbling confused me even more. I decided not to comment.  
  
Was the elf claustrophobic?  
  
"Too - many - fangirls -"  
  
I understood and gazed at him with sympathy. If I was annoyed by their prattle, the "kissee" must certainly be at the breaking point.  
  
"They're certainly annoying," I remarked.  
  
"Annoying! Annoying, she says!" Legolas throttled an imaginary neck.  
  
"Why don't you get rid of them?"  
  
"Get rid of them? My dear girl, do you think I haven't tried every possible way to get rid of them?"  
  
"What have you done?" I challenged.  
  
Legolas counted on his fingers. "Asked them to go away, offered to send them life-sized posters of me if they left me alone, run away, hidden, sent them hate mail. . ."  
  
Sniggering by the time he was finished, I informed him that his attempts were pitiful. "Don't you know that fangirls aren't dismayed by 'asking'?"  
  
"Well, what would you do?"  
  
"I think I know a couple of strategies that would work better than that."  
  
Legolas stared at me. Frantic squealing and the pounding of fists on the privy door brought him back to his senses ("He's in there with a GIRL!") and he lifted a hand to brush back a loose strand of his hair. My heart rate sped up.  
  
"You're hired," he said at last.  
  
"I'm. . . sorry?"  
  
"You're hired. Help me to get rid of these. . . appetites. . . and I'll pay you anything you want." He stuck out his hand. "Deal?"  
  
I shook it, grinning. -I- was helping Legolas. Me! "Deal!"  
  
***  
  
Day One  
  
~  
  
The following morning, I was with Legolas and a couple of shears in the privy again.  
  
He was flinching repeatedly as I got to work. "Are you sure this'll work?"  
  
"Are you kidding, hon?" I chuckled, turning his head. "It'll kill off about half your fans. Just one thing. I get to hide before you walk out of here, or I'll be ripped apart for mutilating you."  
  
"I don't know about this."  
  
"It's a little late for that. Just trust me. It's summer and the breeze will feel so lovely on the back of your head. . ."  
  
"OW! What are you trying to do? Cut off my ears?"  
  
"Thanks for the idea, but no."  
  
"Should I be as frightened by you as I am?"  
  
"Probably," I replied cheerfully. "You'll never ever meet another female as scary as me, unless you happen to know my aunt."  
  
"I am seriously considering running away."  
  
"Looking like this, you might actually manage it before somebody tackled you."  
  
Snip. I turned his head again.  
  
Legolas was quiet for a moment before he said, "Are you almost done?"  
  
"Almost, doll."  
  
"Stop calling me those horrible nicknames!"  
  
"That's part of my strategy. Any eavesdroppers will think you finally picked one of them and settled down with a girlfriend."  
  
Shuddering, Legolas shifted position. Snip, snip, snip.  
  
"There you are."  
  
The elf prince stood up, shedding golden hair snips everywhere. I held up a mirror so he could see his roughly cut, pudding-bowl haircut.  
  
"It's hideous!"  
  
"Of course." I was grinning at his horrified expression. "About fifty percent of your followers will run off screaming. Now, step two."  
  
"Step. . . two?"  
  
I held up a bowl of neon pink dye.  
  
"Gods above. . ."  
  
"I keep telling you, you have to trust me. This is Kool-Aid stuff. It'll wash out after a couple of weeks. And your hair will grow back."  
  
Legolas gingerly submerged his flaxen locks. When he pulled out of the liquid a few minutes later, I was laughing so hard that tears streamed down my cheeks.  
  
"You look positively stupid."  
  
"I am honored." Glaring at me, Legolas reached for the mirror. Upon seeing himself, he let out a shriek of horror. I couldn't blame him. How many neon- pink, pudding-bowl haircuts do you see, even in the company of elves?  
  
We could hear fangirl fists on the doors. "What is she DOING to him?"  
  
"Time for me to make my escape," I said, edging towards the ventilation grate. One lift of that latticework latch and I would be safe from the wrath of dismayed fangirls.  
  
"Wait!" Legolas grabbed my hand. "If this works, you have to rid me of Them by the end of this week."  
  
"I know."  
  
"It's going to be harder than it sounds!"  
  
"Not," I replied, lifting the latch with my free hand, "with a genius around."  
  
***  
  
Day Two  
  
~  
  
On the second day of my employment, Legolas came dancing into my room in Imladris. Still halfway through the recent Harry Potter, I paid him no attention until he shared the good news.  
  
"You were right! About half of my devoted fans ran off screaming at the sight of my mutilated hair!" The elf was positively skipping. Coming over to my bed, he lightly kissed me on the forehead. "And it's all thanks to you, Amy."  
  
My skin had melted where his lips had been, but all I said was, "And the other half?"  
  
Legolas waved at my windows. Loyal noses were smudged against their surface.  
  
"I am so, like, happy!"  
  
Rolling my eyes, I book-marked my place and stood, surveying him. "Ready for step three?"  
  
"Am I ever!"  
  
"Sure? The hair was nada compared to this."  
  
"Bring it on!"  
  
"I am now completely convinced that you're on some elvish drugs, but as it makes you a willing victim, I'll go and get my stuff. . ."  
  
Legolas caught my arm. Serious now. "You haven't endured days and days of annoying, obnoxious, idiot fangirls. I am so ecstatic about the results of your employment that you can tear my elven dignity apart as much as you like."  
  
I wondered if his words extended to the naughty images I was having.  
  
"You don't know what I suffer at the hands of these monsters," the elf went on.  
  
Hmm. Should I tell him about the Legolas posters and action figures inside my suitcase?  
  
Somehow, I didn't think it would be a good idea.  
  
Letting him rant about the horrible things he would do to his fangirls if he had a chance, I went on my hands and knees to drag a box out from under my bed. "These clothes just came in for you. . ."  
  
His voice died away as I held up the garments.  
  
I couldn't blame him. They glittered as the sunlight hit them, sending rainbow rays glowing across the room. Colored a blinding orange (which contrasted sharply with the brilliant aquamarine shirt), the leggings alone were hideously laced and printed with the name of some four-man band I had never heard of.  
  
Legolas touched them with a kind of numb horror.  
  
"Your new uniform," I said cheerfully.  
  
Screams of rage at my windowpane indicated the fangirls' distress. Legolas came to his senses and glanced at me. "Privy?"  
  
"Yeah."  
  
*  
  
Minutes later, the elf prince was holding his arms out as I pinned the baggy clothes around his frame. We were barricaded in the bathroom again, I with a new black eye as a token from the enraged females currently stationed outside.  
  
"I cannot believe I'm doing this," my charge grumbled.  
  
I hid a grin. "That's a change of tune from 'You can tear my elven dignity apart'. . ."  
  
"You're a riot, Amy." Legolas grimaced as I "accidentally" stuck him with a safety pin.  
  
Finished, I rocked back on my heels. My crush looked like something out of the sixties.  
  
"Beautiful. You're a freak of nature."  
  
Legolas rolled his eyes, lowered his glittering blue arms, cast one last look at his orange pants, smoothed his shorn pink hair and stepped bravely out of the bathroom. I heard seventy-six simultaneous screams of horror from his fangirls before they fled, probably scarred for life.  
  
Coming to stand by him, I chuckled. "I love my job."  
  
*  
  
Day Three  
  
~  
  
About thirty fangirls out of the original 152 had survived Legolas's painful uniform change. But we were planning to reduce that number even further.  
  
I had purchased Legolas a small, shaven dog with huge tufts of hair at its paws, tail, and ears. It barely was higher than his ankle.  
  
"His name is Fluffy," I said happily, petting him.  
  
The vicious brat went for my finger, but I was faster. "He's exactly what you need to act as a bodyguard. Just don't-"  
  
Legolas didn't wait for me to finish my warning. He reached out to pet his new miniature dog. I caught the sight of pointed teeth as Fluffy snarled.  
  
"Ow! You damned son of a-" Legolas cursed as he hopped around the room, bleeding fingers in his mouth.  
  
"That's what I mean," I said cheerfully.  
  
"You're evil." Legolas blinked at me. "And I just noticed."  
  
"I always knew you were slow. . ." I leaned back on my elbows.  
  
Fluffy snarled. I leapt away from his incisors. "Anything that comes within a four-foot radius of him will get attacked."  
  
To prove my point, the tiny canine pounced on a passing honeybee and tore it to shreds, mindless of its sting.  
  
Watching him thoughtfully, I commented, "I think he's part pit bull."  
  
"Wouldn't be surprised," Legolas muttered, heading for the cupboard for a bandage.  
  
"Want to try him out on a walk in the garden?" Holding out a leash of iron links to the new owner, I beamed at him. "He chews through regular twine, so make sure you always use the chain."  
  
"How do you put it on him without being ripped apart?" the elf wanted to know.  
  
"I was going to let you figure that part out."  
  
"Amy, if there is one person on this planet that could stand you for three days without starting to hate you. . ."  
  
"There is that aunt I mentioned. . ."  
  
Legolas glared at me and took the quilt off my bed. I hid my eyes as he slide-tackled Fluffy, wrapping him in the folds of my bedding. Violent snarling echoed in the room, then I heard the sound of ripping.  
  
"Oh no. . ." The prince sounded nervous. "Here he comes. . ."  
  
Ear-shattering yips were suddenly cut short. I risked a look and was amazed to see Legolas pulling the chain noose over the dog's head, while holding his quilt-encased body in a leg lock. He forced a strained grin at me.  
  
"See? Sometimes strength is better than genius," he wheezed.  
  
The elf's joy was short lived. I burst into hysterical laughter as Fluffy bit him in the balls and squirmed free. Legolas's eyes rolled into his head and he fell to the floor in a dead faint.  
  
Pulling the dog away from savaging his head, I told the animal, "I don't think this day was very productive, do you?"  
  
He yapped and leapt at my face.  
  
*  
  
Day Four  
  
~  
  
Legolas had grudgingly forgiven me for buying him Fluffy. He also gave me back my job after Fluffy proved his worth by savaging four fangirls that had made the mistake of sneaking into his room.  
  
We were stretched in front of a fire in my room, painting his arrows, bow and daggers in lavenders and pinks. I had made us popcorn, and every few minutes one of us would reach for a handful. It was a very pleasant rainy afternoon.  
  
I finished putting magenta hearts on one of his daggers and reached for an arrow and the lilac paint. Legolas shifted the ice pack in his crotch.  
  
I hid a grin. "You know, maybe we should put the pack inside your pants, so the fangirls will think you have a melting, overly droopy-"  
  
"No." The elf glared at me.  
  
"Touchy. It was only a suggestion."  
  
"Ammyyyy. . ."  
  
"Aww." I put on my puppy dog eyes. "You know you love me."  
  
"How could I love you? You have made my life into a misery."  
  
"You EMPLOYED me to make your life a misery." I painted a lilac streak on one of his arrows and dipped into the cream.  
  
"I employed you to rid my life of misery!"  
  
"Well, it's working."  
  
"I know. . ." The elf sounded for all the world like a pouty child.  
  
We were silent for a moment. Arrow fletching turned cream under my artistic eye. I laid the arrow aside to dry and reached for another.  
  
"What do you plan on doing after the next three days?" Legolas wanted to know abruptly.  
  
I blinked. "Huh?"  
  
"You know. . . your contract ends in three days."  
  
Shrugging, I coated an arrow with baby blue. "Probably help Frodo or Aragorn with their fans or something. . . I like to travel. . . maybe I'll go to Gondor or someplace. I haven't really thought about it. Are you going to keep dying your hair?"  
  
Legolas shrugged, picking up the last arrow. Reaching for his quiver, I painted it magenta in a matter of minutes.  
  
"Remind me why we're doing this?" the elf asked, watching me ruin his weaponry.  
  
"You need some weapons to match your clothes for Elrond's birthday feast. It's the day after tomorrow."  
  
"Oh, no."  
  
"Oh, yes." I nodded emphatically. "I guarantee every fangirl for miles is going to be there. Your performance will definitely scare them away for several years."  
  
"My. . . performance?"  
  
Grinning wickedly, I wiped my brush off. "You don't think I got you a sixties band outfit for nothing, did you?"  
  
Legolas groaned, finishing the last arrow.  
  
"Music lessons start tomorrow," I told him.  
  
*  
  
Day Five  
  
~  
  
I had brought a list of music options to Legolas's rooms. Over the Beatles and some rap songs, he had opted for a totally uncharacteristic Enya love song.  
  
Reviewing the words, the prince blanched. "Are you sure this is. . . necessary?"  
  
"Of course it is," I replied cheerfully.  
  
As he practiced the song ("Fallen Embers"), I set about putting together his colorful weaponry and eye-smarting outfit, listening to him sing in a baritone.  
  
"Once, as my heart remembers  
  
"All the stars were fallen embers  
  
"Once, when night seemed forever  
  
"I was with you. . ."  
  
As he finished, I shook my head despairingly. "You're too good, and it's a love song. You're going to be caked with girls by the time you finish."  
  
"And we don't want that."  
  
"Nope." I considered it. "Keep practicing. I'll think of a plan."  
  
Leaving him alone, I paced up and down the halls before paying a visit to Lord Elrond.  
  
"I hear your birthday's tomorrow. . ."  
  
"Yes," he said proudly.  
  
I was seriously tempted to ask him how old he would be, but resisted. "Legolas wants to sing a few verses for you."  
  
"He is welcome," said the other elf happily, not knowing what he was in for. "Many will be performing songs and poems."  
  
"Perfect," I mumbled, watching him delicately dab his lips with a napkin.  
  
And then it came to me.  
  
The ultimate plan.  
  
Leaving Lord Elrond's office, I ran back into Legolas's room, where he was still practicing.  
  
"Once, in the care of morning  
  
"In the air was all belonging. . ."  
  
"Leggy!"  
  
His head jerked up, and he stared at me. "What?!"  
  
"I have it!" Flinging myself onto his bed, I explained excitedly, "I have the perfect plan!"  
  
"Well?" the elf demanded after several minutes went by.  
  
I was frowning. "You won't like it at all."  
  
"Probably not," he agreed. "What is it?"  
  
"This might be offensive. . ."  
  
"Tell me, Amy."  
  
I told him. He didn't like it.  
  
*  
  
Day Six  
  
~  
  
I met Legolas outside Elrond's dining hall. "Are you ready for this?"  
  
He was holding his elven cloak tightly about his body, to hide the flashes of blue and orange. A baggy hood covered his pink hair. "I can't believe I'm going to do this."  
  
"That's the spirit." Impulsively, I kissed him on the cheek. "See you inside."  
  
Taking my seat at the guests' table, I helped myself to an apple and turned my eyes to the high table, waiting for my charge to perform.  
  
Legolas was not the first entertainer. A female named Virsiriel sang a serenade to all warriors. One of Legolas's persistent fangirls serenaded him at the royalty table. I couldn't have planned it better. From the look on his face, I could tell he was ready to do anything to rid himself of her.  
  
Another elf recited a verse written specially to Elrond. The old ruler of Imladris smiled pompously at him.  
  
Then Legolas found himself being pushed towards the front. He cast me one long, pained look before standing up, red with embarrassment.  
  
I held my breath. Would he really do it?  
  
His cloak was flung to the floor, revealing his slender body in all its blue and orange glory.  
  
I saw Elrond cringe.  
  
"Once, as my heart remembers  
  
"All the stars were fallen embers,  
  
"Once, when night seemed forever,  
  
"I was with you.  
  
"Once, in the care of morning  
  
"In the air was all belonging.  
  
"Once, when that day was dawning,  
  
"I was with youuuu.  
  
"How far we are from morning,  
  
"How far are we  
  
"and the stars shining through the darkness  
  
"falling in the air.  
  
"Once as the night was leaving  
  
"Into us our dreams were weaving  
  
"Once, all dreams were worth keeping.  
  
"I was with you  
  
"Once, when our hearts were singing,  
  
"I was with you."  
  
Legolas sang without trace of his inward mortification. His eyes found mine, and I saw their agony. I gave him a tiny smile.  
  
Upon finishing, Legolas steeled himself for the final test. He ended with a dramatic flourish to Elrond, and then sprang forward. He gave me one last, agonized glance before kissing the other elf full on the lips.  
  
There was a stunned silence before every female - and male for that matter - leapt to their feet screaming and ran out of the hall.  
  
*  
  
Day Seven  
  
~  
  
I was packing in my rooms when Legolas found me.  
  
His eyes were relieved. "I haven't had a single fangirl all day."  
  
"I'm not surprised. They all think you're a fag now." I laughed at him, but the mirth didn't reach my eyes.  
  
"May I walk you to the stables?" the elf asked as I clasped my trunk.  
  
"Thank you, sir," I smiled, taking his arm. "I would be honored."  
  
We left Rivendell in silence. Every immortal we passed in the hall turned tail and fled at the sight of the prince. He cleared his throat as we neared the stables. It was raining again.  
  
"I have been banished from Imladris," he told me.  
  
"So have I." I snickered at the thought of Elrond's maroon face and Legolas finally breaking their lips apart.  
  
"I return to Mirkwood tonight." He brushed wet hair out of his eyes.  
  
Smiling up at him, I touched his cheek. "This is goodbye, then."  
  
Legolas looked down at his feet, submerged in saturated mud. "Not if you don't want it to be." The words tumbled out of his mouth in a rush.  
  
"What?" I stared at him. "My contract ends today, remember?"  
  
"I remember. But. . . you are sort of a genius, Amy. . . and . . ." Legolas cleared his throat again. "I understand if you refuse, but would you like to stay on as my counselor?"  
  
A light of happiness lit in my eyes. "Le-"  
  
"And, later," the elf went on, still staring at his feet, "if you wanted to be a princess too, well, I don't think any other girls will be visiting Mirkwood for a very long while, after last night."  
  
Finally raising his gaze, he added quietly, "And I don't think I would want them too."  
  
I was smiling like a lunatic by the time he had finished. My arms were around his orange-clothed waist in a flash, and I pressed my cheek to his blue chest.  
  
"Prince Legolas, heir of Mirkwood," I said, finally pulling away, "I would be honored."  
  
He smiled back and kissed me on the forehead. The rain fell around two blissful individuals - a streetwise counselor and a gay prince. 


End file.
